I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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