If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
