everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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