If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
