i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im having a threesome with these popsicles
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
