i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
