Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
