Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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