you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
