why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
