I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
