Where did you get a picture of my penis
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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