I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
