guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
