I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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