He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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