good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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