So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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