next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
