I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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