Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
