I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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