I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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