Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
