Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
