my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
