I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
