Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
