Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
