absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
