did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I need water and some morals
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
