Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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