Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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