I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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