Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she smelled like a LAN party
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
