is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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