I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
