Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
