he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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