I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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