I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
