every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I need to stop coming to work sober
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
