i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
