When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just high enough for therapy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
