i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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