If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
