You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
