Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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