You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
