What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
