I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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