She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Acid is not a monday night drug
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
