I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Four minutes until I can fart!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
