I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
